the silence

It's been over 4 hours since I've spoken a word (which is drawing nigh to some kind of record). I said "thanks" to the guy who swiped my ID card at the fitness center this afternoon. And I probably won't say anything for the rest of the night unless I get a phone call.

Ryan is in Austin this weekend for a Surveyor's convention. He went with his student group, and he's hoping to make some good contacts for the job hunt that will be looming soon. It's the biggest convention of surveyors in Texas for the year, and one of the biggest in the nation, so he went prepared with plenty of resumes and a new pair of nice slacks.

He's been gone since yesterday afternoon, and returns late tomorrow night. I don't like him being gone, and he doesn't like for me to be gone, but right now it's his turn. Two weeks ago I went to visit my sister in Fort Worth for several days, and now he is returning the favor. When I got home, he said he missed the noises I make, and the house had seemed too quiet. He got to enjoy his bachelorhood again though, and now I am kind of making the most of mine.

I ate carrots and celery with nuttela for dinner. This is otherwise a big no-no in our house. He likes real meals that are cooked, but I could go for weeks without a regular meal and not even notice. The house is on it's way to being super clean, no cups or clothes laying around. Dishes are drying, and the wash is in the agitate cycle. I'll be folding towels here shortly, while catching up on episodes of Glee.

And that's my life these days. It would be nice to have some girl friends to run around with, and talk with. But I guess right now, God wants me to survive through a period of silence. My closest friends live some hundreds of miles away, and we occasionally chit chat over the distance. Other friends are overwhelmed with family, school, and their own business. (Maybe that's become me too?) My intrinsic need for social interaction has gotten me in trouble at work for being a bit too chatty and wandering away from my desk after lunchtime. I'm feeling caught in a twilight zone of needing a friend, but knowing I'm probably not a good potential friend. I know I have a friend in Jesus, which is often what gets me though the day. But he knows I'd also like there to be someone in my life who would be a soul mate. Someone like me, who could understand, and who'd listen and talk with me. (I think Ryan gets tired of hearing me vent at him about him, and might appreciate this person as much as I do.) And he is such a good man to have as a best friend. But girls need girlfrinds, and guys need their guyfriends - to stay balanced.

It's a risk to say these things. But I think most people feel this way, at some time or another. And I know it takes effort to have friends. But sometimes you get blessed with a friend who is just a perfect match. I know, because I've had one or two, and those were some of the best days. I hope they are coming again soon. In the mean time, I contemplate my issues with needing attention, and struggle to adjust to this new season of hectic stillness.